This website has been created lovingly as a tribute to Zachary Doryon Lawler, who left us on November 14, 2020. Zac is deeply missed by his family and friends, and it is with profound sadness that we begin to navigate this lifetime  without him. 

 

Zac was born on June 23, 2002, the third of four brothers.  As a child he had an extremely adventurous, creative and curious nature, and he was the definition of an “out of the box” thinker and doer. He was deeply affectionate, warm, loving, caring and always sensitive to the needs of others.  At a very young age he innately demonstrated true compassion for people, feeling their pain, offering wise advice, protecting them, crying with them and nurturing them.  Zac was a feeler, a lover, a giver, and a healer. He believed in the connection he created with people and he relished in his relationships. He did not see color, race, gender, religion… he saw the person, their soul and their inner essence.  He was fiercely loyal to those he loved and was always the first to offer his help without ever expecting anything in return. He  was true to his word and his actions reflected this.

 

Zac was always working on a project. He felt compelled to make his own creations.  He would pick wild vines, bring them home, soak them, smash them and make his own rope by braiding the pieces together.  With Zac it was always about the process, not the final product. Zac didn’t just drink the wine, he made the wine. He fermented carefully chosen fruits and made his own concoctions. He made his own guitar from scratch and his imagination. It would have been too easy to buy a ready made guitar.  Instead he pieced together all the parts,  each with a special meaning. He decorated it in his Zac way, using black squiggly lines and melted crayons.  This became his hobby and expressive outlet, always enthusiastically sharing his progress with us, step by step.  

 

Zac was an explorer.  He was driven by his impulses, and his spontaneous desire to explore whatever crossed his path.  Unusual yet meaningful things always caught his eye and he felt compelled to follow his curiousity.  He didn’t have a singular path but rather a multitude of paths that could lead him in any direction at any given time depending on his whim. As a small child Zac would often wander off and get lost. Often times he was found high up in a tree, scaling a mountainside or following a lizard, bird or whatever wild animal caught his attention. He was truly his own person, quirky and uniques in all the best ways. Zac also valued his alone time. He wasn’t scared to feel, cry, touch or delve into the unknown. 

 

Zac felt most comfortable in nature.  He loved the outdoors, the trees, feeling the cool air on his skin and he loved natural sunlight. He was an avid hiker and camper, a true survivalist.  He had a passion for discovering his own trails, and his fearlessness, coupled with his desire to seek out the unknown, lead him to unexplored pathways both in nature and within himself. Even within the confines of his neighborhood, Zac found a way to dig deeper. At a mountain side  behind his house, Zac spent months digging a hole deep in the ground until it could fit his entire body. His goal was to become immersed in the mountain, to be part of the mountain.  There inside the hole, he spent many long hours sealing himself off from the outside world in order to meditate.  He dug and dug until he reached what seemed to be the dark dry red clay below.  He took the clay home in buckets where he proceeded to soak it in water for a few days, making a malleable clay mixture.  He then carefully made small clay objects.

 

Zac was a traveling sleeper.  Very rarely did he sleep in a bed, preferring the rawness of the floor.   With a pillow and blanket, he chose different parts of the house where he’d “camp out” for the night, depending on his mood.  He often slept in the backyard on the hard ground, under a tree or on the grass. He loved to fall asleep under the sun.  Sleep was very important to Zac for it was in his slumber that he could dream.  Most recently Zac became interested in dream interpretation.  He was excited to delve into his unconscious and really understand himself. Deep self-awareness was what he strived for.  The weeks before he passed he began to successfully have lucid dreams, a skill that he was just beginning to master.  Lucid dreaming, as Zac explained it to me, is when the dreamer has an awareness that they are dreaming, and in some cases, are able take some control over the dream characters and the narrative.  The morning following his lucid dreams, Zac eagerly put his dreams into a journal and proceeded to interpret them, looking for portals to his unconscious and trying to understand what the characters may have meant. He had tremendous insight into his own psyche and was considering a doctorate degree in psychology.   

 

Zac was a hugger. His hugs were strong, deep, heartfelt and never ending. He loved deeply and passionately. Saying “I love you” flowed easily and repeatedly from his mouth. He loved his mom, his dad, his brothers, his  family and his friends so very much, but mostly, he adored and cherished his little brother, Roman.  Roman was the light in his life and the one person that he was most invested in.  If he ever heard Roman distressed in any way, Zac  stopped what he was doing and went to Roman’s side to help him process through his thoughts  to gain his own insight. He always stayed until Roman was calm and aware. Zac’s most recent words to me just days before his passing were,  “I’m so excited for the person that Roman is becoming and I can’t wait to see him grow into a man.  Mom, really soon my little brother will also be my best friend.”  

 

Zac was accepted to all of his first choice colleges, e.g, UC Santa Cruz, Lewis and Clark, and Reed College. He very much wanted a school environment that allowed for and encouraged independent thinking and deep personal connections with his fellow students, professors and the surrounding landscape.  After visiting Santa Cruz with his brothers, and me, and after hiking the nearby trails his own, touring the campus and feeling the Santa Cruz vibe, he chose this school to be his home for the coming four years.  He was to be in the music/artsy dorms and he already envisioned himself playing his guitar with new friends, making music with them, writing songs, taking long walks in the nearby forest and enjoying his new independence. He was beyond excited to embark on this new journey. Zac had planned to take a year off from school to travel the world for a year with a sleeping bag, tent, backpack and no itinerary or destination.  

 

Due to the pandemic, Zac was not able to attend his dream school in person.  Instead he took on line classes for UC Santa Cruz.  Psychology 101, English and History of Music were his chosen classes. He was not able to finish his first semester and he never made it to the campus.  His beautiful life was tragically cut short on November 14,2020.  He was just 18 years 4 months old. The unusual circumstances of Zac’s death are not a result of suicide or an overdose, the specific details of which to be updated forthcoming.  For now, we choose to honor and celebrate Zac’s memory by focusing on who he was, including his gifts.  Zac was an extremely passionate and enthusiastic person who was loving and enjoying his life. He had plans, projects, an exciting future and an overabundant zest for an adventure filled life. 

 

Zac touched many of us in a very deep, spiritual and loving way.  Many of you reached out to us in disbelief and offered us beautiful memories of Zac where you expressed the kind gestures, words, affection and gifts you received from Zac. At this time of deep loss and pain, we would very much appreciate and forever cherish your words and memories of Zac by adding them to this website in the “Message Board” page. 

 

With love and gratitude,

Debora